Welcome back, tiny sparks readers! I hope the close of your summer was lovely, and as we enter into autumn, I hope you enjoy the best of it: the changing leaves, crisp mornings, and warm drinks. While I took a break from this newsletter, I was very much still active in my therapy practice, holding my first glimmer mini-retreat (so much fun!), getting settled into my new home, and celebrating my pup’s 16th birthday!

Now, on to this week’s topic!

Let me lay out a scenario for you - have you ever wanted to try something new, join a new group, or try to make new friends but you’ve felt so much anxiety and fear that you’ve held yourself back? Maybe you wanted to sign up for a beginner ceramics class but you have this persistent inner voice saying “What if don’t know what you’re doing, what if you look stupid, nothing you make will even look good, you’ll probably mess it up and look silly.” Welcome to the ring… your inner critic.

While I was absent from this newsletter space, I kept coming back to the idea of our inner critic and how it functions. There’s a reason it’s called inner critic rather than inner coach or cheerleader - if it was functioning as a coach or cheerleader, I wouldn’t have much to write about this week! Let’s talk about how our inner critic develops.

Many of us might have grown up with parents, caregivers, teachers, family members, or other adults who consciously or subconsciously shamed us or punished us. You might be wondering how you can subconsciously shame or punish, but the thing is, it’s not always vindictive or mean shame and punishment. It could be very subtle, such as we didn’t do as well in a class or on a test and we notice that mom pays us a little less attention than usual. However, that subtle little shift, to a child’s brain, tells that child: “So if I don’t do really really well, mom loves me less.”

Remember, that doesn’t have to be mom’s intent at all, but that sets the stage. So then, we grow up and become adults, having internalized this belief that to keep ourselves “good” and in connection with others (perhaps no longer the same adults from childhood, but now friends, partners, and co-workers), we have to be really good; we have to be the best.

Here’s the thing about adulthood: it’s not as easy as going to school, studying hard, getting an A, and having everyone love us. Sadly, what happens is that our brain creates this critical internal voice that punishes and shames us all the time. Then, we wonder why we feel so badly and find it difficult to move towards what we want.

It can impact everything how we form relationships, our work, how we spend our free time, and more. Oftentimes, we may try to white-knuckle our way through it by gritting our teeth and constantly trying to battle our thoughts. This can start to feel like an internal battle of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots (does anyone else remember these?), you versus your inner critic - and it’s exhausting to be battling yourself all the time.

Read more here: ​https://trishawolfe.substack.com/p/its-me-hi

The dictionary defines glimmer as a noun- a faint or wavering light or as a verb- to shine faintly with a wavering light. Therefore, you might be able to say that glimmer is a synonym for a tiny spark! In the mental health world, glimmers can mean something a little bit different. Let’s dive in to learn about glimmers and how they can help us regulate our nervous system.

To start to get a sense of what a glimmer is in reference to self-care and resilience, I find it helpful to reflect on a quotation from author Kurt Vonnegut:

One of the things [my] Uncle Alex found objectionable about human beings was that they so rarely noticed it when they were happy. He himself did his best to acknowledge it when times were sweet. We could be drinking lemonade in the shade of an apple tree in the summertime, and Uncle Alex would interrupt the conversation to say, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”

So I hope that you will do the same for the rest of your lives. When things are going sweetly and peacefully, please pause a moment, and then say out loud, “If this isn’t nice, what is?””

Long before we ever talked about glimmers and resources and resilience (oh my!), Vonnegut’s Uncle Alex had the idea down pat. So often, we go through life on autopilot, rushing from one task to the next, hurrying up so we can get to work, speeding home so we can cook dinner, all so we might have an hour to ourselves to zone out on Netflix, TikTok, or whatever your relaxing-but-not-taxing tool of choice is.

Now, it’s not a bad thing that our brain can work on autopilot, it’s helpful in moving us through our daily routine and it saves us from having to think about every single activity we do each day. Imagine if you had to be 100% conscious and aware while brushing your teeth, each up and down motion taking careful focus - that would be exhausting! But being on autopilot too often can disconnect us from ourselves, from our resilience, and from what is good in our lives. If we are in a period of high stress or have a history of trauma, it becomes even more critical to become aware of glimmers or moments of goodness in our lives.

Let’s talk about some background on glimmers: the concept of glimmers is part of the Polyvagal Theory introduced in 1996 by behavioral neuroscientist Stephen Porges.

The Polyvagal Theory is a complex but fascinating way of describing how our autonomic nervous system (the one that controls involuntary actions like breathing as well as our survival system - think fight/flight/freeze) is constantly searching for and interpreting cues around us to determine if they are dangerous. This searching and interpreting is called neuroception and the process happens below the surface, with our nervous system and vagus nerve working together to assess our safety every moment of the day.

Later on, Deb Dana, a social worker and author used the word glimmer in her book on Porges’s work called The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation by Deb Dana. Her book is a fascinating take on our nervous system and how we can find more regulation and resilience in our daily lives.

You may remember from past conversations we’ve had together here that sometimes our body may feel activated by something the brain feels is dangerous - sometimes we might flip our lid out of stress - and when that happens, our nervous system and body may move into a fight, flight, or freeze state. We might think of those activating events as “triggers.” Maybe you’ve even heard people say “I’m so triggered” or “That really triggered me” when something stressful happens.
You can think of glimmers as the opposite of triggers - glimmers are triggers’ happy, sparkly, regulating fraternal twin siblings. Where triggers are cues that something dangerous or stressful is happening, glimmers are cues that the body and brain are having a feeling of pleasantness, safety, and connection.

Everybody and every body is different, so glimmers will feel different from person to person, but in general, they are those warm and fuzzy feelings where you feel cozy, safe, and at peace. They can spark a sense of joy, calmness, neutrality, pleasantness, awe, or belongingness.

Glimmers can be both internal and external- from a thought of a wonderful memory or situation to a song that you love. In fact, one person’s glimmer could be another person’s trigger (more on triggers in another newsletter). Finding glimmers can be beneficial because purposely noticing these moments where you feel safe can help your body and your ventral vagus nerve recognize the feeling of groundedness and connectedness.

So, how can we find our glimmers? To answer that, let’s come back to Vonnegut’s quotation above: we look for what’s nice! For a simple way to integrate glimmers in your day, just try noticing something nice or pleasant in your day - a first sip of coffee, a pleasingly shaped tree, or a big, fluffy cloud. For me, I’m loving fresh summer strawberries, a big ice cream cone on a hot day, a new book, and the beautiful wildflowers. It doesn’t have to be anything groundbreaking, just a little flicker of something “nice!” Just by observing it and naming to ourselves that it’s pleasant, we get a little pop of goodness in our nervous system that reminds us that we are safe.

We can also practice touching into deeper glimmers that help support your vagus nerve. For some people, this might be super easy and you might be able to quickly list several glimmers. For others, especially those with trauma, you may have to take a step back and do some grounding exercises. Take a quiet moment to yourself where you step back from distractions and close your eyes.

• Picture a moment of peace. Perhaps it’s a place where you felt peaceful, maybe you saw a picture of a place that made you think it was peaceful, or maybe this is someplace you have in your imagination. For me, Estes Park comes to mind with the beautiful mountains and pine trees galore. Maybe for you, it’s a place from your favorite book or a vacation you’ve taken.
• Think of moments in your life where you felt safe and/or cared for. For some of us, this may be a moment from childhood when our caregivers were able to show up for us and support us. For others, it may be a moment with a beloved pet, partner, or friend, or even a moment where we were able to connect with ourselves in a way that felt good. It doesn’t have to be something big - for me, I’m thinking of the way I let myself rest longer this morning when I woke up not feeling myself - a simple act of care.
• Think of someone you love. A person with whom you can be your authentic self and feel a little let down in your body - where you can take a little breath. If you don’t have someone like that in your life right now, imagine what that would be like or a moment you may have felt that in the past - a warm moment with a teacher, a colleague, or a friend. If you do have that in your life, spend time with that person, maybe give them a call (or a text if they hate talking on the phone). The other day I wasn’t having the best Monday, and I ended up talking to a friend on the phone. Turns out she was having a rough day too, but after a few minutes of talking, we realized that we were both in better moods, and I was grateful for the glimmer my friends are. Again, pets count. Many times, unconditional love from a pet can provide a lot of joy and comfort in our lives.

I encourage you to spend some time this coming week thinking about or making a list of the glimmers in your life. Remember, for tiny sparks toward more resilience, glimmers are what it’s about. The most powerful glimmer or most peaceful feeling can be found in the smallest moment. Wishing you many glimmers!

Feel free to join me on Tiktok, Instagram, or Youtube where I share my thoughts, and you’re welcome to share your glimmers!
​
Sending tiny sparks of wellness your way,
Trisha

Now, before you start to get up in arms that I’m anti self-compassion, hold on. I’m not! I like self-compassion and find it a useful tool when appropriate. That being said, at times I feel frustrated by the portrayal of self-compassion as the panacea cure. I notice that self-compassion is often used alongside ideas like “let it go,” “move on",” “be kind to yourself,” “fall in love with yourself,” “love and light,” etc. To be clear, I’m also not anti any of those statements! My whole exploration is to support people in connecting more with themselves and their own resilience. That being said, for many, many people, self-compassion is not their first stop in exploring.
Before we dive into what I said above, let’s talk about what self-compassion is.

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. 

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, failing, or noticing something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself at this moment? (Dr. Kristen Neff / www.self-compassion.org).​

Dr. Neff provides wonderful free resources on her site to learn more about how to practice self-compassion. Some things she invites us to consider are:

How would you treat a friend?
How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering?
Changing your critical self-talk
By acknowledging your self-critical voice and reframing its observations in a more friendly way, you will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term.
Identifying what we really want
Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear. Reframing your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive helps get you there.
​
What self-compassion isn’t: a cure-all for stress, trauma, anxiety, mental health issues, etc.

So why is self-compassion not for everyone?

Many of us may have learned through our environment, school, family, or job that we are not worthy of self-compassion. ​  We may not have seen it modeled for us or may have been told that we are not deserving of care.

We may have also been rewarded for achieving big things or being "perfect" and thus learned that our worth is only tied in with being "good." As adults, we know that it is rare that something will actually be perfect, but we stay stuck on the hamster wheel, convinced we must attain the unattainable before we can be kind to ourselves or before we deserve compassion.

Many of us also believe that if we are kind to ourselves, we are being self-indulgent and will no longer carry out our responsibilities, complete tasks, or do things well. We may think we will become "lazy."  In fact, by speaking negatively to ourselves, criticizing ourselves, and treating ourselves as less than others, we block ourselves from truly being the best, most authentic version we can be.
​
We get in the way of our own agency to go after what we want, shy away from new opportunities, create anxiety in our lives by telling ourselves we aren't good enough, and generally create an increased stress load on our minds and bodies.  Paradoxically, this increased stress can actually cause us to underperform, feel distracted, not complete tasks, feel angry or irritable, and have difficulty connecting to others.  It can also lead us to stay in situations that make us unhappy or unfulfilled because we subconsciously believe we don't deserve anything different.

Ok, so we want to move forward toward good things, and stop getting in the way of what we want, yet, when we try to practice self-compassion, it can seem to make things worse. Why? Go back and read my previous post about our survival strategies and how they kept us safe! If you have learned to function, to keep going, to manage by criticizing yourself, then trying to jump into self-compassion and kindness is actually going to make that subconscious part of us more scared. It wasn’t safe in the past, whether literally or figuratively, to let ourselves feel relaxed enough to be self-compassionate. (Remember, many times physical safety was not actually the threat, rather we learned that others around us responded better when we were quiet, perfect, had no needs, etc.). This doesn’t mean we can NEVER ever be self-compassionate or that we can never learn to practice self-compassion. We can! But telling someone that if they just keep practicing self-compassion and self-love, then they will feel better is a recipe for disaster.

Why I’m the world’s biggest fan of neutrality.

For many of us, self-compassion is a mountain that seems impossible to climb. So where do we start to begin to alleviate the stressful burden of criticizing ourselves?

Neutrality.

Neutrality is a step on the road of self-compassion. Neutral asks us to simply observe what we are doing and what we are saying to ourselves or about ourselves. Rather than indifference, neutrality is a curiosity that allows us to stay present to what is happening at any moment and start to interrupt the patterns in our brain that taught you that you didn't deserve kindness or that criticism was the only way to motivate you.

How do you practice neutrality? Next time you notice that you're criticizing yourself, try this simple activity. Pretend that you are a scientist in a lab or a wildlife expert on safari. Narrate what is happening for you in that moment.

"There she goes again, telling herself that she's terrible at public speaking and is going to mess up this presentation and lose her job."

"Ah yes, she's yet again telling herself she's a bad Mom after looking at Instagram while her baby is eating."

"I'm noticing that she is again telling herself she doesn't deserve to have pizza for dinner with her friends because she needs to look good for her wedding."
​
Notice how it feels to observe with neutrality. Notice how it interrupts your pattern, even if just for a moment. Over time, this process begins to rewire your brain, taking you out of the old pattern of criticism and shifting you into a curious, nonjudgmental stance. And then, our old friend, self-compassion slowly (slowly) begins to emerge.

Many of us spend our days at a desk, hunched over a keyboard.  Take a few moments and wake up your spine with some easy seated yoga stretches - like a little massage for your spine!