Why the term 'People Pleasing' needs to go

I came across this gem recently: “If you learned to take care of others’ needs before your own as a child, then self-care and boundaries will not come naturally as an adult” and it really led me to reflect on how we develop the capacity to have needs and boundaries in our lives.
These days, everywhere I turn—especially, ahem, social media influencers—are calling themselves a people pleaser as if it’s some personality trait, like “oh, I just LOVE brunch!” It’s as if spending your entire life bending over backward for everyone else is just written in the stars, something you’re born with, like freckles or a weird talent for karaoke.
But here’s the thing: I’m over it. Using the term people pleaser as a character trait takes away from our understanding that it’s *actually* a protective mechanism we develop based on the early environments we grow up in.
So let’s take a step back for a minute. Before we start throwing “people pleaser” around like it’s a new astrological sign, let’s talk about the nervous system’s favorite survival party tricks: fight, flight, freeze, and, yes, fawn. These are biologically hardwired responses—literally baked into our bodies to keep us safe when something feels like a threat. Key phrase: feel like a threat. (You can bet I’ll come back to that later.)

These responses are on autopilot. No need to consult your to-do list, your body, brain, and nervous system are always working to ensure you feel safe in the face of anything that might disrupt your safety. These choices are biological and are hardwired in to ensure we can respond quickly in the face of danger.
Picture this: you're walking down a dimly lit alley, minding your own business, when out of nowhere, you realize someone’s following you—hulking, shadowy. Before your brain has a chance to ponder if this is a nightmare or a bad Netflix episode, your nervous system has already jumped into action: heart pounding, muscles tensing, ready for whatever survival scenario is most likely to keep you breathing.
Can you run? Nope, they’re blocking your escape. Can you fight? Probably not unless you’ve been secretly training for a Marvel movie. So what’s left? Fawn. Your nervous system says, “Maybe if we play nice, charm our way out of this, we can get through it.” We appreciate and value that we have this built-in safety system so that we don’t have to try to pause and think, hmmm, what’s the best way to handle this? (Imagine trying to do calculus when a bear is chasing you - not happening! So we rely on this system to keep us safe).
Now, how does this connect to adult self-care and setting boundaries, you ask? Let’s take a trip down memory lane to where all these people-pleasing patterns began.
How did your early environment shape your sense of care—both for yourself and others? What did you witness in your parents or caregivers? Did they practice any form of self-care, or were they always on-call for everyone else? And deeper still, how did the people around you—whether caregivers, friends, or teachers—respond when you had the audacity to voice your own needs? Spoiler: these experiences shaped you more than you probably realize.
Here’s the thing: as children, we’re like little sponges soaking up our environments. Most of the time, we’re not consciously thinking, “Oh wow, I better never have needs because no one likes me when I do.”
No, it’s all felt experience, absorbed and stored in our brain’s pattern-making machine (remember - our brains are adaptive to the environment around us constantly by using past data to determine what’s going to happen in the present and future).
Maybe your parent was stressed out to the max, juggling too much, and every now and then, you noticed that when you were quiet, helpful, and oh-so-perfect, things were smoother. Guess what your child brain starts to do? Yep, you start putting others first because, surprise, it works. Fast forward to adulthood, and now you’re that person who can’t say “no” and has somehow made everyone’s problems their own.
“But wait,” you say, “Isn’t this just part of growing up?” Sort of. But here’s the thing—kids? They don’t think in shades of gray. If they feel like they have to choose between their own needs and their caregivers’ needs, it can feel like the ultimate survival choice. Deep down, they believe choosing their own needs could mean being abandoned or left behind. And before you think, “Oh, my parent wouldn’t actually leave me,” just remember—it’s not about what’s rational. It’s about what feels threatening. And that? That feels pretty scary to a kid.
These patterns become our security blankets, our suits of armor. The worst part? These learned survival responses don’t just fade away once you hit adulthood and get a driver’s license. Nope, they stick around, whispering, “Don’t rock the boat” every time you think about setting a boundary. Cue the “people-pleasing” pattern—hello, old friend.
That’s because we still *feel* like having needs is a threat. Even when, as adults, we have more access to agency and choice and can take care of ourselves, our brain and nervous system still respond to that old felt sense experience of not being safe to have needs.
If you’re wondering how this plays out in real life, look no further than toddlers. They start testing boundaries early with all those “NO NO NO” moments, which, spoiler alert, is them trying to figure out how the whole boundaries thing works. Unfortunately, not all of us got to keep practicing those “no’s” into adulthood.
Now, to be clear, this isn’t about pointing fingers at parents. Most of the time, they were doing the best they could with what they had. This is about noticing patterns that served us when we were kids and asking ourselves, “Are these still serving me now?” Because here’s the good news: people-pleasing isn’t a life sentence and it’s not innate. The moment we can see it for what it is—a learned survival strategy—we can start to shift it.
(Psst - if you’re in the No Bad Parts book club, you could try on saying “a part of me feels like it’s not safe to have this need” as a little curiosity with this survival strategy).
And that’s where the magic happens. Helping people recognize and gently untangle these patterns is the work I love. Together, we can hold space for the old ways of being, explore the feelings underneath them, and start finding new, healthier ways of being in relationships with ourselves and others. I’m so glad you’re here, learning and being curious alongside me.
Wishing you all the wellness (and maybe a few more “NOs” in your life),
*trisha*